Shame is one of the most powerful and unspoken forces shaping how we see ourselves, how we move through the world, and how we connect with others. Unlike guilt, which tells us we’ve done something wrong, shame tells us we are something wrong. It whispers stories that chip away at our self-worth, feeds the voice of the inner critic, and keeps us trapped in cycles of anger, anxiety, and self-doubt.

But why do we hold onto shame so tightly—and why does it so often feel like it holds onto us?

Why Shame Becomes Imprinted in Us

Shame doesn’t just arise in adulthood. It often originates in childhood experiences where we felt judged, rejected, humiliated, or unsafe. Over time, these moments become imprints—emotional experiences that weren’t fully processed and therefore became stored in the body and nervous system.

Trauma imprints are made up of:

• A nervous system in overwhelm

• Stored emotional energy or survival responses

• Painful narratives and belief systems

• Orphaned parts of the self (exiled, shamed, or fragmented)

When these emotional energies go unmetabolized, they loop. What is unfelt becomes imprinted, and shame becomes a default reaction to stress, conflict, or perceived failure.

This is how shame begins to control us—not because it’s rational or true, but because it's a survival pattern wired into our nervous system.

The Voice of Shame: Inner Critic, Anxiety, and Anger

The inner critic is often shame’s loudest messenger. It tells us we’re not good enough, not worthy, or not lovable. It masks itself as self-discipline or "tough love," but it’s really rooted in fear—fear of being seen, being rejected, or being vulnerable.

When shame is internalized, it doesn’t just hurt—it creates a ripple effect:

• Anxiety rises as we try to manage perceptions and avoid failure.

• Anger often bubbles under the surface—either directed inward (self-hate, frustration) or outward (defensiveness, blame).

• Self-doubt becomes a daily companion, making us question our value, our decisions, and even our right to take up space.

This inner chaos is not weakness—it’s a nervous system trying to protect you with outdated tools. But there is a way out.

How to Work With Shame (Not Against It)

Shame doesn’t dissolve by pushing it away. It heals when it is met with safety, presence, and compassion.

Here are some of the evidence-based and trauma-informed steps to working with shame:

1. Address Your Relationship With Shame

Rather than seeing shame as the enemy, view it as a part of you. Ask yourself:

• Can I relate to this shame as a part?

• Can I witness this part without judgement?

• What does this part need from me?

2. Meet Shame With Compassion

Instead of ignoring or bypassing shame, meet it with a desire to understand. Use the language of compassion:

• If this part could speak, what would it say?

• What belief is this part holding about me or the world?

3. Explore Shame in the Body

Shame isn’t just a thought—it’s a felt sense. Begin to notice where shame lives in your body. What posture do you take on when shame arises? What sensations show up?

4. Use Embodied Processing Techniques

The Embodied Processing outlines a gentle, step-by-step process for working through shame:

• Anchor yourself in a safe memory, place, or body sensation.

• Invite in the trigger and discern the emotion.

• Work with the sensations, images, or beliefs through practices like pendulation, rhythmic breathing, and belief investigation.

• Complete the cycle with nervous system regulation.

5. Provide Relational Support & Corrective Experiences

Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. Healing happens through connection. Share your story with someone who can hold it with empathy, not judgment.

6. Reconnect With the Inner Child

Much of our shame stems from unmet needs and wounding in childhood. Through child consciousness work, you can reparent those younger parts and offer the safety, love, and validation they needed but didn’t receive.

7. Regulate Your Nervous System

You cannot reason with shame from a dysregulated state. Learn tools that bring your body back to calm—breathwork, grounding, movement, and somatic practices are essential.

Final Thoughts: Shame Doesn’t Define You

Shame might be part of your story, but it’s not the whole story.

When you begin to explore shame with curiosity instead of judgment, when you soften the voice of the inner critic and replace it with the voice of the inner coach, when you sit with your anger and anxiety rather than suppress them—you start to unhook from shame’s grip.

Healing shame is not about being perfect. It’s about learning to hold yourself with compassion, even when you feel most unworthy. Because at your core, you are already enough—and always have been.

If you’d like help working through shame, inner critic patterns, or anxiety, my coaching sessions offer a safe, supported space to process and grow. Let’s gently explore what’s been holding you back—and begin the journey to self-trust and healing.